Year End Muse

As I look back on this year I realize a lot has happened. I started a new position at work and have been forced to deal with people on a different level than I ever had before. It started out pretty shaky but I've learned a lot. I continue to make mistakes and to learn from those mistakes. I finally started climbing out of the bar ditch and renewed my relationship with my Father. I had forgotten what a rush it was to say yes to Him and let Him take me soaring. It's strange how easily it seems to be for me to get distracted from what I really want and from what I really enjoy. Thank goodness for friends that love me and correct me. I look at the relationships that have grown and deepened this year and I realize how lavish the love of my Father is. I went on my first mission trip this summer and fell in love with the Christian family in Leon and cherish the relationships that developed with the members of the Central family that I had the joy to go with. It made me look forward to retirement when I can spend even more time doing things like that. But what I'm really grateful for is My Fathers patience for the last five years. I realized while thinking about this year and the things that had happened that I had been sliding into a pit for quite a while and as I thought more about it I realised that the slide started when my son got into the trouble that led to his being in prison. As I think about it I listened to the whispered lies of satan and agreed with them. I kept wondering, and still do at times, what I could have done to change what has happened. I began to question everything about myself and who I was. I really didn't want to be around people because.... I'm not really sure why yet. I wanted to hide from everyone including God. Needless to say that didn't work. DUH!!! But the end result was me running away. I've grieved for my son, I've grieved for my wife and all that she has gone through and generally enjoyed a pity party instead of doing what I should have done. Give it to God and ask what He wants me to do. Actually He has told me what to do I just didn't want to listen or I thought it was to easy and I needed to do more. All I'm suppose to do is love my son without question and the rest is Gods. No Worries! It's funny how easy God really makes it and I just can't seem to accept it. It's been a year of learning, returning, hearing, feeling, blessing, renewing, growing and aging. It's been a very good year.

Cobwebbed Catacomb

I talked to a friend who had been looking for a new blog from me and was wondering when I would post again. A part of me was flattered that someone would look forward to something I had written. Another part of me wondered why someone would look forward to something I had written. All I write is just thoughts and opinions that come from that dark cobwebbed catacomb I call my mind. I'm not sure why they are interesting. About the only thing I can come up with is reading my thoughts make them feel a whole lot better about their own thoughts. Their thoughts probably sound a whole lot better and make a whole lot better sense than mine. I guess it really doesn't matter why, as long as it brings them some enjoyment and maybe a few laughs. But the thought that someone wanted to read what I had to say brought another question to mind that has nagged me for several years now. It seems that in the last several years I keep finding myself in leadership positions of one kind or another. These are positions that I got either by default or because I have been asked to take them. I don't by nature look to fill these rolls but I find myself taking them because others seem reluctant to or I can't seem to say no, even though I fully intend to when asked. I wonder if I am really stroking my ego, even though I really feel like I don't want to be in that roll and try to avoid it if at all possible, or as my lovely wife says God wants me there. I find this last reason just a little disconcerting because I know me and I feel like their are others who are far more qualified. I'm not exactly a scholar or have any other qualifications that would say to me I should be a leader. I am opinionated but that is more often a hindrance than a qualification. I've struggle with the roll of leadership and try to avoid it even though my wife continually hounds me to just do it. Maybe someday I will feel comfortable in that roll but I seriously doubt it because by long training and, to be honest, by my own desire I prefer being a loner.

Puzzle Me

I went to class last night. I thought I would try it again. It didn't take long for me to zone out but at one point Matthew 16:24 was read. "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." It immediately struck me that Jesus was telling us that we had to die. Others echoed this thought in their comments and it was mentioned that this was said well before the crucifixion. Now this may only be an eye opener for me but I have always heard this scripture described as your burdens or problems. Somehow it never made sense to me. But Jesus inviting us to die, not only die but die in one of the worst ways possible, was new in this verse for me. We don't bear the cross it bore us, the sinful us 2000 years ago in the form of Christ. He died a horrible death. The worst part wasn't the scourging, the being spit on or being hung on the cross. the worst part was the moment He became sin, my sin, because that was the moment that God turned His back on Him. He was so disgusted by sin that He turned His back on His son and His son was totally abandoned. Yes I think to follow Jesus is simple, I must die. But the dieing isn't easy. Death by cross is painful. The process will hurt. God got my attention months ago on my retreat but somewhere along the path I wondered of and forgot about him. Recently through several different things He is getting my attention again. I really want to die to myself and there is no way that the suffering will be anywhere near what Christ went through. I struggle. I've contemplated suicide before but the kind of death that God wants is nothing like suicide. I'm really not sure what it is like. I want to know but I can't seem to grasp it. And I sure don't understand why it would be painful because Gods joy and Gods peace is the final result. Going to have to do some more puzzling on that.

Are you listening?

I got a call from my friend Allen this morning. He just called to ask if I was listening. Five couples got together at the Crawford's house for a prayer and share get together. It seems all of us feel in one way or another spiritually stagnant. At least we are not where we wish to be. It all started with a question that came up from the Wednesday night class that I skipped. Butch asked, "What is a radical Christian? I certainly don't think I'm one." well it turns out none of really felt like radical Christians and we spent some time trying to define it and wondering how we become one. I'm not sure if we really came up with anything but we did the best thing we could. We prayed for it. The moments when you come together as one in prayer are always powerful moments. All of us were sincere about wanting to be more. Several slogans come to mind, "be all you can be", " the few the Proud". They sound great but I'm not sure any of our slogans really apply to a Christian, a disciple of Christ. Pride certainly doesn't fit and I don't think being all you can be does either because truly becoming a radical Christian means you totally die and become one with Christ. Sounds to simple really. That's probably my problem, somehow I want to work for it and it can't be earned. I want that feeling of accomplishment and being a Christian isn't about accomplishment. When it comes down to it it is about giving up. Giving up everything to God. As an American I am extremely rich, I've always known this but it never really went deep until I went to Nicaragua this summer. Is that why it is so difficult for me to get to where I say I want to be? I'm to rich. I'm not sure but I think that is only one of my problems. I'm to rich. I want to feel like I have accomplished something. I have to much pride. I guess I could go on and on. Instead of continually trying I need to listen and give up.

FINALLY

Finally! I found spellcheck. I can look more intelligent than I really am.

"TERROR EVANGELISM"

I have never really wrote out my thoughts on "TERROR EVANGELISM" before so here goes. I define "TERROR EVANGELISM" as any means where any kind of pressure, whether physical or mental, is used to get others to change their views to your views is used. this includes the Inquisition, the crusades and my particular favorite hell and damnation preaching. To me these tactics produce a fear of God that is not true and they produce a conversion out of this unrealistic fear. The conversion for the most part is a conversion that produces no fruit and no love. For the most part these kind of tactic produce fear, hatred, depression and other unwanted and unneeded feeling instead of the joy that a conversion into the love of God produces. First I think the anti- abortion groups (not all but most) are hurting the people that have chosen this route more than helping. They are not showing the love of God to the ones that need it the most, the ones that have chosen abortion. These people have made several bad choices to get to this point and they are probably feeling very unloved at this point anyway and the attention brought on them by the demonstrations is only making them feel more unloved and building a bigger wall between them and the only thing that can bring them true joy, GOD. The lives that are aborted are going to be with God, that's a given, the souls in jeopardy are the ones that made the choice, where is the concern and love for them? I'm sure some will see me as callused but I think the soul in jeopardy should be the focus. when the souls that are in jeopardy are loved into Christ then and only then will things change. Brow beating, embarrassing and other such tactics do not show love and do not bring those in need to Christs presence. I know that the hell and damnation preaching of my youth did not bring me into Christs presence, it drove me further away, I thought that a god that was like the one that I had been taught about would never accept me and he was looking for the first opportunity to strike me dead. The "Christians" saw were not joyful, most of them frowned all through service. Look around on Sunday morning, at least half the crowd is frowning. Should those people be in church? Sure they should be, maybe they will find the Joy Of God. All I'm saying is that love is the only thing that is going to change the world, not demonstrations, not browbeating and nothing else that does not show love is going to change things. It might drive the things we want changed underground where it is even far more dangerous but it won't change it. What changed me was people who knew who I was loved me anyway, accepted me where I was and loved me into a relationship with God.

In the Rut Again

I was driving home from church last night and I saw a banner that said "I knew you before you were formed". This is one of my wife's favorite verses and it triggered a train of thoughts. ( I found out in this mornings paper that the sign was set up by an anti-abortion group. The park is across the street from the planned parenthood building. I take issue with these groups, not because of their views but somehow "TERROR EVANGELISM" does not fit my view of being a christian and can't be justified by WWJD. But that's a whole other issue.)Anyway, the first thought that came was He knows us so intimately, why don't I know Him intimately? Well the thoughts tumbled around for a while with a few pictures thrown in then I realized I'm in a spiritual rut,(imagine That) I didn't go to class Wednesday night, I don't like going to class on Sundays, I'm tired of listening to the same old complaints (I want more contemporary music, when the music they are referring to is twenty years old. on the radio that's called golden oldies.) It seems we go over the same old things but I don't see myself or others getting anywhere. I want to be like Jesus, so intimate with God that I can say this is what I want but I know You want this and what You want is what I'm going to do. Or so close to Him that I can hear Him speak and I can say here I am send me. I hear so often that Our relationship with God can't be like Jesus'. I say why not, I'm a co-heir. But Jesus was Gods son he had a special connection. Yes He fostered and worked on that connection. Jesus was no different than us when He was here on earth, to say otherwise is to say He wasn't who He claimed to be. He felt all the things we feel, He faced the temptations we face. The only difference between Him and us is He was totally dependant on the Holy Spirit and His Father. Why aren't we like Jesus? I can only answer for myself but the answer for me is I'm not totally dependant on the Holy Spirit and my Father. I have to much of self, to much of me basically I don't trust God to take control. He has given me all the tools, Jesus left His Helper for us. So what is the problem, so many books give so many answers, practice these disciplines, do this, do that. Do they work? Not for me. The only one that I've heard that comes close is practice the presence of God. I like the Kiss principle, keep it simple stupid, that talks directly to me. I don't think God intended for it to be hard, I think we just make it hard or at least I do. So here I am in a big old spiritual rut, chasing my tail, wondering which way is up.

Rut Revisited

Never in my wildest imagination would I have thought that by my saying I felt like I was cheating would anyone think that I thought Arlene or Angela were "hitting on me".
My cheating feelings were my own and noone elses. So Arlene I didn't think you were hitting on me, you have much better taste than that. I have Elaine because I caught her on the rebound, I accept that and am gratful for it but believe me I live under no illusions. But I am grateful because it made me revisit those feelings. I had looked forward to getting home all day because I wanted to see if I had any comments. I realize now that the feelings of cheating were awarning from the Spirit, no not that I was going to cheat but that I can be inclined to abusing good things and making them bad. While blogging in itself is not a bad thing, it's cheaper than therapy although I prefer both, it can be if I let it control me. I can sit down with an encyclopedia an get lost for hours(does that qualify for 0-creepy Angela?)so I can easily let things control me. I had anticipated blogging all day, it controled me. I guess it could be written of as anticipation of something new but because of my tendencies I have to be careful and I am thankful for the warning.

Dazed and Confused

The study that our Preacher Dan has started is the fruit of the spirit and for me it has been a really in your face lesson. It has not only been in my face from the pulpit but it has been in my face fom Sunday school, small groups and Wednesday night. What I really want to do is hide, but where do you hide from God? I've tried, He knows I've tried but He just doesn't give up. How do you produce the fruits of the spirit when you have people in your family, people in your church family and people you work with that just suck the life out of you? When I admit my short comings I get advice which usually just confuses me more. But God keeps trying, I'll never understand what He sees in me but He is always there. I've realized that probably the biggest part of my problem is lack of time with God. Before I got my promotion all I had to worry about (I Know GOD said don't worry) so lets say concern myself about was what I did. I usually worked alone, this gave me time to think and contemplate while I did my job and talk to God a lot. In my new job I'm responsable for others and it seems like every time I turn around someone needs my attention (much like having kids). So I don't have the same opportunities to commune with my Father that I use to have and I have yet to develop another way of spending time with Him. This past April I set myself up with a retreat, I was going to spend time with my Father, NOT, I was really trying to run from Him. I have been involved with a prison ministry for a few years called Kairos, well my son ends up in prison, I wish I could say it was all a mistake but my son worked very hard to get there. The things that have happened to my son while in prison made it very difficult for me to go into prison and be with the men in there. I can't exactly put my finger on why because the majority of the things that have happened to him have been brought on by himself. I guess it would be truthful to say I just decided to listen to satans lies and agree with him instead of leaning on Gods love. Anyway, back to the retreat, after fasting for two days and trying to communicate with my Father with nothing happening I heard a faint whisper. He asked me why I was running. I had prayed for a ministry and He had provided in a way that left no doubt that it was His doing, it was certainly, if not the last, very near the last ministry I would have come up with. He then proceded to lead my thoughts as I realized that where I needed to be was not on a retreat but where He had led me. So I left the monastary and went to help in the kitchen on the Kairos weekend. I'm not sure any of this makes any sense, but as I said I'm confused. I've seperated myself from My father and I'm trying to crawl back out of the bar ditch. Fruits of the spirt don't come from us they come from our Father. I need to start feeding off His roots again, the nutrients are better. I've got to cut myself off from my roots and totally graft myself to His.

P.S. To add to my confusion I give my friends Arlene and Angela a chance to use their edgy wits and the just give nicey nicey comments. I'm so confused.

out of the rut

I don't know if my first blogging experience was a success or not. I'm not sure how I feel about people responding to my thoughts without seeing them in person. I'm not a telephone person, I hear better with my glasses on. Although the two comments were not about what I said but about me actually blogging I had a very strange reaction. I was uncomfortable, my wife finds my discomfort extremely amusing, but I didn't find it amusing at all when I told her about it. I felt like I was cheating on my wife because two women left comments. It matters not that both my wife and I are friends with both women and I'm old enough to be ones dad and real close to being old enough to being the others dad, I was uncomfortable. It made me realize other discomforts that had occured and are occuring in my life. I realized that for 28 years I had been in the same job and pretty much been on cruise control in my life. A year ago I took the cruise control off and accepted a promotion, something I had done before but gave back because I didn't like it. Well I'm actually liking my new job and the challenges that it has brought. But after blogging and finding discomfort in the comments as well as my wifes response, I realized that I'm not as comfortable with change as I've led myself to believe. Getting out of a rut is alot of work and its painfull. there are however rewards: 1) I've learned lol means laugh out loud. 2) I've learned =) actually means something and isn't a mistake. 3) My friend Arlene can actually revel in my discomfort and have a joyous day ( don't think less of her, I've more than earned it) 4) I've realized that I need to examan myself and my life more critically and like my mom laugh at myself more readily 5) I also need to take more side trips to keep from getting into a rut again and allowing my vision to narrow as I have in the past. so I look forward to learning more no matter how much discomfort it causes.

First Time

This is my first blog and right now I'm wondering what I'm doing. I have never been good at journaling and now I'm attempting to journal in public. Some how this is not making much sense to me but my wife thinks I ought to try it. I thought long and hard about what to name my blog (five minutes is about the extent of my attention span and any thinking is hard) and came up with Fools Gold. I Thought about Gyms Gems But that sounded a little pretentious. Then it occured to me that my thoughts would probably come closer to fool gold than gems so I thought: Sounds good and appropriate. So here it is, my first blog Can someone tell me how you get spell check on this thing?)