Wandering in the Desert

As you can see it has been a while. I'm having trouble remembering how to do it.
It's been a while since God and I have been on a first name basis. That's not His choice I just kind of wandered of into the desert. I've been there for several years now and I'm not sure I want to leave yet. I can get a glimpse of the oasis that God has for me and the cool water that awaits me when I finally come in from the sun, but I've still got some things to discover about myself and work out with myself before I'm ready for a reprieve. I know this may seem silly, actually I guess stupid would be the better word, but for some reason I feel like I need to wrestle with myself and who I am and to really discover who I am so that I may become the person that God has in mind for me to be. I recently started having counseling and I'm amazed about the things that I have discovered about myself. I think the biggest discovery and probably the discovery that is going to help me the most is the discovery that I have an overwhelming fear of being abandoned. The reasons for this feeling is deep rooted and of no real interest to anyone but myself. But like most fears really have very little basis. The crazy thing to me is that I've actually realized this for a long time but it took verbalizing it and hearing someone else tell me that this is a problem for everything to start falling like dominoes for me to realize how much this fear colors everything in my life.I realize now why I get so angry about some things when there is really no need to. Fear of abandonment causes you to be very possessive, jealous, angry and so many other feelings that are very draining and especially counterproductive. I'm sure this realization is just a start. It is going to take a while to change my thought process. And healing will take a while. But I need this time of wandering and dryness to to strip back the pretences so that when I do go back to the oasis I'll be ready to drink deeply and truly enjoy the taste of the living water.

Wandering in the Desert

Stumbling over the presence of God

There was a time in my life when I read a lot. I would read up to four books a week.
When I started reading Christian literature I found a book mention several times by different authors, it was called "Practicing the presence of God". Just the title interested me so I finally bought a copy. I still have that copy and as yet I have not made it through it. I've made several attempts but I just can't make it. I have discovered that I just can't get through several books that people consider Christian classics. I'm not sure why that is but it doesn't really matter. the title of the book "Practicing the presence of God" was what got me thinking and going. I found that when I practice the presence of God, really acting and believing that He is right beside me and that I have His full attention at all times that my life is truly peaceful and joyful. I found the Bibles admonition to pray continuously to just be a natural part of my life because I was talking to God about anything and everything. I wish I had continued to practice His presence but some how I let that practice fall into disuse. But God is always faithful (Semper Fi), He continues to trip me up and whisper in my ear so that I will notice His presence. I continually stumble over the presence of God.

HeyGuy

For New Years we had our prayer group over to our house for a year end get together. We ate together then played are you smarter than a fifth grader. It took us a whole five minutes to figure out we weren't, so we quit and went on to discussion and prayer. Elaine read a part of a book called "Eat this book" which described some passages from the Bible and how we should really chew on the words in the Bible and taste them and really enjoy them. Then Iman read a passage from Haggai and we ended up reading the whole book and discussing it. The book brought a lot of visuals to my mind as it was read aloud and started my brain to thinking about a lot of things. One of the visuals I got was how much time, energy and money I spend on how I look and how I appear to others and how little time I actually spend devouring, tasting and enjoying the Word. Another thought that occurred to me was that Haggai was a really good book for me because it fir my attention span. I looked in my Bible and discovered that close to half the books of the Bible are designed for those of us with short attention spans. They are less than ten pages long in my large print Bible including notes. Books for those with attention deficit. I think I will start with the books for ADD and devour those and taste them and maybe by the time I finish those I'll be ready for those that are wordier. I hope and pray that I can keep my attention on track to start and continue doing that this year. I also realised that there is a lot more to the scripture that says hear the word because, at least for me there is something to listening to the word being read out loud. It seems to add more to it than just silently reading it to myself. I know that in the Jewish religion they they read through the old testament each year and in Catholic masses they read through the Bible every three years. I guess they know something I never paid attention to before, something I'm going to try more often this year.

Year End Muse

As I look back on this year I realize a lot has happened. I started a new position at work and have been forced to deal with people on a different level than I ever had before. It started out pretty shaky but I've learned a lot. I continue to make mistakes and to learn from those mistakes. I finally started climbing out of the bar ditch and renewed my relationship with my Father. I had forgotten what a rush it was to say yes to Him and let Him take me soaring. It's strange how easily it seems to be for me to get distracted from what I really want and from what I really enjoy. Thank goodness for friends that love me and correct me. I look at the relationships that have grown and deepened this year and I realize how lavish the love of my Father is. I went on my first mission trip this summer and fell in love with the Christian family in Leon and cherish the relationships that developed with the members of the Central family that I had the joy to go with. It made me look forward to retirement when I can spend even more time doing things like that. But what I'm really grateful for is My Fathers patience for the last five years. I realized while thinking about this year and the things that had happened that I had been sliding into a pit for quite a while and as I thought more about it I realised that the slide started when my son got into the trouble that led to his being in prison. As I think about it I listened to the whispered lies of satan and agreed with them. I kept wondering, and still do at times, what I could have done to change what has happened. I began to question everything about myself and who I was. I really didn't want to be around people because.... I'm not really sure why yet. I wanted to hide from everyone including God. Needless to say that didn't work. DUH!!! But the end result was me running away. I've grieved for my son, I've grieved for my wife and all that she has gone through and generally enjoyed a pity party instead of doing what I should have done. Give it to God and ask what He wants me to do. Actually He has told me what to do I just didn't want to listen or I thought it was to easy and I needed to do more. All I'm suppose to do is love my son without question and the rest is Gods. No Worries! It's funny how easy God really makes it and I just can't seem to accept it. It's been a year of learning, returning, hearing, feeling, blessing, renewing, growing and aging. It's been a very good year.

Cobwebbed Catacomb

I talked to a friend who had been looking for a new blog from me and was wondering when I would post again. A part of me was flattered that someone would look forward to something I had written. Another part of me wondered why someone would look forward to something I had written. All I write is just thoughts and opinions that come from that dark cobwebbed catacomb I call my mind. I'm not sure why they are interesting. About the only thing I can come up with is reading my thoughts make them feel a whole lot better about their own thoughts. Their thoughts probably sound a whole lot better and make a whole lot better sense than mine. I guess it really doesn't matter why, as long as it brings them some enjoyment and maybe a few laughs. But the thought that someone wanted to read what I had to say brought another question to mind that has nagged me for several years now. It seems that in the last several years I keep finding myself in leadership positions of one kind or another. These are positions that I got either by default or because I have been asked to take them. I don't by nature look to fill these rolls but I find myself taking them because others seem reluctant to or I can't seem to say no, even though I fully intend to when asked. I wonder if I am really stroking my ego, even though I really feel like I don't want to be in that roll and try to avoid it if at all possible, or as my lovely wife says God wants me there. I find this last reason just a little disconcerting because I know me and I feel like their are others who are far more qualified. I'm not exactly a scholar or have any other qualifications that would say to me I should be a leader. I am opinionated but that is more often a hindrance than a qualification. I've struggle with the roll of leadership and try to avoid it even though my wife continually hounds me to just do it. Maybe someday I will feel comfortable in that roll but I seriously doubt it because by long training and, to be honest, by my own desire I prefer being a loner.

Puzzle Me

I went to class last night. I thought I would try it again. It didn't take long for me to zone out but at one point Matthew 16:24 was read. "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." It immediately struck me that Jesus was telling us that we had to die. Others echoed this thought in their comments and it was mentioned that this was said well before the crucifixion. Now this may only be an eye opener for me but I have always heard this scripture described as your burdens or problems. Somehow it never made sense to me. But Jesus inviting us to die, not only die but die in one of the worst ways possible, was new in this verse for me. We don't bear the cross it bore us, the sinful us 2000 years ago in the form of Christ. He died a horrible death. The worst part wasn't the scourging, the being spit on or being hung on the cross. the worst part was the moment He became sin, my sin, because that was the moment that God turned His back on Him. He was so disgusted by sin that He turned His back on His son and His son was totally abandoned. Yes I think to follow Jesus is simple, I must die. But the dieing isn't easy. Death by cross is painful. The process will hurt. God got my attention months ago on my retreat but somewhere along the path I wondered of and forgot about him. Recently through several different things He is getting my attention again. I really want to die to myself and there is no way that the suffering will be anywhere near what Christ went through. I struggle. I've contemplated suicide before but the kind of death that God wants is nothing like suicide. I'm really not sure what it is like. I want to know but I can't seem to grasp it. And I sure don't understand why it would be painful because Gods joy and Gods peace is the final result. Going to have to do some more puzzling on that.