Puzzle Me

I went to class last night. I thought I would try it again. It didn't take long for me to zone out but at one point Matthew 16:24 was read. "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." It immediately struck me that Jesus was telling us that we had to die. Others echoed this thought in their comments and it was mentioned that this was said well before the crucifixion. Now this may only be an eye opener for me but I have always heard this scripture described as your burdens or problems. Somehow it never made sense to me. But Jesus inviting us to die, not only die but die in one of the worst ways possible, was new in this verse for me. We don't bear the cross it bore us, the sinful us 2000 years ago in the form of Christ. He died a horrible death. The worst part wasn't the scourging, the being spit on or being hung on the cross. the worst part was the moment He became sin, my sin, because that was the moment that God turned His back on Him. He was so disgusted by sin that He turned His back on His son and His son was totally abandoned. Yes I think to follow Jesus is simple, I must die. But the dieing isn't easy. Death by cross is painful. The process will hurt. God got my attention months ago on my retreat but somewhere along the path I wondered of and forgot about him. Recently through several different things He is getting my attention again. I really want to die to myself and there is no way that the suffering will be anywhere near what Christ went through. I struggle. I've contemplated suicide before but the kind of death that God wants is nothing like suicide. I'm really not sure what it is like. I want to know but I can't seem to grasp it. And I sure don't understand why it would be painful because Gods joy and Gods peace is the final result. Going to have to do some more puzzling on that.