Puzzle Me

I went to class last night. I thought I would try it again. It didn't take long for me to zone out but at one point Matthew 16:24 was read. "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." It immediately struck me that Jesus was telling us that we had to die. Others echoed this thought in their comments and it was mentioned that this was said well before the crucifixion. Now this may only be an eye opener for me but I have always heard this scripture described as your burdens or problems. Somehow it never made sense to me. But Jesus inviting us to die, not only die but die in one of the worst ways possible, was new in this verse for me. We don't bear the cross it bore us, the sinful us 2000 years ago in the form of Christ. He died a horrible death. The worst part wasn't the scourging, the being spit on or being hung on the cross. the worst part was the moment He became sin, my sin, because that was the moment that God turned His back on Him. He was so disgusted by sin that He turned His back on His son and His son was totally abandoned. Yes I think to follow Jesus is simple, I must die. But the dieing isn't easy. Death by cross is painful. The process will hurt. God got my attention months ago on my retreat but somewhere along the path I wondered of and forgot about him. Recently through several different things He is getting my attention again. I really want to die to myself and there is no way that the suffering will be anywhere near what Christ went through. I struggle. I've contemplated suicide before but the kind of death that God wants is nothing like suicide. I'm really not sure what it is like. I want to know but I can't seem to grasp it. And I sure don't understand why it would be painful because Gods joy and Gods peace is the final result. Going to have to do some more puzzling on that.

Are you listening?

I got a call from my friend Allen this morning. He just called to ask if I was listening. Five couples got together at the Crawford's house for a prayer and share get together. It seems all of us feel in one way or another spiritually stagnant. At least we are not where we wish to be. It all started with a question that came up from the Wednesday night class that I skipped. Butch asked, "What is a radical Christian? I certainly don't think I'm one." well it turns out none of really felt like radical Christians and we spent some time trying to define it and wondering how we become one. I'm not sure if we really came up with anything but we did the best thing we could. We prayed for it. The moments when you come together as one in prayer are always powerful moments. All of us were sincere about wanting to be more. Several slogans come to mind, "be all you can be", " the few the Proud". They sound great but I'm not sure any of our slogans really apply to a Christian, a disciple of Christ. Pride certainly doesn't fit and I don't think being all you can be does either because truly becoming a radical Christian means you totally die and become one with Christ. Sounds to simple really. That's probably my problem, somehow I want to work for it and it can't be earned. I want that feeling of accomplishment and being a Christian isn't about accomplishment. When it comes down to it it is about giving up. Giving up everything to God. As an American I am extremely rich, I've always known this but it never really went deep until I went to Nicaragua this summer. Is that why it is so difficult for me to get to where I say I want to be? I'm to rich. I'm not sure but I think that is only one of my problems. I'm to rich. I want to feel like I have accomplished something. I have to much pride. I guess I could go on and on. Instead of continually trying I need to listen and give up.